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Where is Crifty?


Hi my lovelies.


I know. I have disappeared. Literally not a sign of me. I never swear in my videos. I’m acutely aware that a small ankle biter may well be nipping at you, whilst your trying to listen to my dulcet tones. Or you may have older ones, who, always pretend not to listen or be interested in what the adults are doing, but in reality they are like super spies, hanging off every word, waiting to spill your darkest secrets to the mums in the playground. Mummy was watching that lady and she said the F word 5 times!

I was going to insert my very own story of doing such a thing but then realised that a story taken from the 80’s when political correctness didn’t really exist and little 5 year old me didn’t know any better probably wouldn’t be taken in the humour it was meant. So I won’t. But you can imagine.


So here, where I can’t be heard, I will where I feel it’s appropriate, drop a F bomb or two. The last three weeks deserve a giant FUCK YOU to whatever karma I’ve accumulated throughout my nearly 37 years.


I was dreading January. I’ve spent the last year counting down to it. It is no secret that 2019 hit me like a freight train and although the last few weeks have been a bit rough, I hold out hope that 2020 will start perking up. Unlike my body which is rapidly going south.

Anyway, back to the countdown of that first anniversary of losing someone special. That first anniversary that’s never just the one day. It’s every day that led up to it. Every hospital visit, every laugh, every cry. Every significant moment is dreaded until you have to relive that day. That moment, that aftermath.


Just as the year before we spent the whole month of January waiting for that moment to come, wondering if every day would be, the day. We spent this year knowing what day it was but also knowing and reliving each significant day until we reached that one single day.

I have to be honest, it wasn’t as horrific as I imagined. It had its moments and some days, days, of which I will never speak of in detail, hit me just as I expected them to, but on the whole it was not as bad as I expected.


It’s almost like a blood test. The thought of it is always worse than the actual event.

We have or maybe, just I have, this amazing ability to let my imagination run completely wild. It’s always been a curse and a gift.

I’m the crazy person that has to walk around a swimming pool 10 times to check jaws isn’t lurking in the deep end. You will never get me in a empty pool. Ever. It will not happen.

How would jaws even get in the swimming pool?!

Completely irrational and yet I can envision my great white induced death in the local leisure centre. His devilish black hole of an eye boring into my soul before he devours me. Let’s not even talk about water slides and how, as I’m going down them, I see my demise flash through my head. I’m convinced he’s sat mouth wide open waiting for me to shoot out like a little pinball.


I also have this amazing ability to tangent off. Where was I. Right yes. So January was all about reliving last year.


Then I trapped my sciatic nerve. I don’t know if you’ve ever done that but fuck me does it hurt. Not like a paper cut hurt but a, my whole right side of my body is in agony and my foot and leg have swollen to the size of a house type of hurt.

For those of you that don’t know I have a added complication to anything nerve related.


I suffer from a condition called Fowler’s. In its very basic terms it means I am in urinary retention. I can’t pee without help. It’s painful and unpleasant. Totally incurable but there is a few treatments to help alleviate symptoms. One of those is to have a pace maker / tens machine like device attached to the sacral nerve and implanted in the lower portion of your back. I have a cute little remote control which enables me to change programme and increase or decrease the voltage surging through my sacral nerve. The problem with then trapping a nerve was the pain. Not just the pain from the trapped nerve but also the pain it was causing in conjunction with my electronic helper. Which then had to be switched off. Opening up a whole Pandora’s box of unpleasantness which none of you want to hear about.


Bill then came down with the dreaded man flu. Now when a woman catches the man flu it is always a diluted version which is never as bad as the original case and no where near as debilitating. Except this time. I caught man flu in it’s full blown version. The positive was that all the coughing meant I dislodged my trapped nerve. Yay! The negative side is that I developed pneumonia. Deep, deep joy.


Friday I could barely breath. At one point I actually thought I was in big trouble. The obligatory call to 111 ensued. First question was obviously had I been to China or the Far East or come into contact with any that has. Although I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to know the second half of that question. A few questions later and I was on my way to A&E. Obligatory sad photo evidence below. Because were you really in hospital if you didn’t take photo evidence?

I was going to include the sad faced one with the canula in my arm but I know that sort of thing can trigger so thought the Darth Vader photo was much better!


So there you have it. That’s been my last few weeks.


Oh and my laptop broke and the monthly repair or replace plan I have with curry’s is a complete con. It should say 7 day repair and replacement after 3 fails to repair. Seriously who can do without a laptop for 7 days. If I could I wouldn’t pay for the monthly plan. So I’ve had to order a new laptop. Once that comes I can try and transfer everything across. Then take the broken one into be repaired so it can be my backup. Once I can breath without bringing up my lungs. Why oh why is nothing ever simple.


For those of you going to the Manchester Cricut event this week have a lovely time. Unfortunately due to the breathing issues I can’t make the journey so have had to pull out but I’m assured you are in for a real treat. Have so much fun. The rest of us will be sat at home or work watching Facebook for the newest product announcement. I genuinely do not know anything, they don’t trust me with secrets (rightly so) but I do have my own wish list.


Personally I’m hoping for a mug easy press or some form of laser blade. I can but dream. I can’t see me ever getting my mini laser beam of redness but if I keep asking, you never know!!


I’m seriously hoping to be back to my normal self next week. I have so many tutorials I want to get recorded and I am desperate to start the weekly lives again. I’m also hoping that as I’ve had this run of illnesses that I’m now free for at least a few months!!

Much love ❤️

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